Questions? Feedback? powered by Olark live chat software
caramel & cocoa

Caramel & Cocoa - cooking, parenting, fashion, diy, eating, living, a blog

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Bit of Guilt

Experiencing anything will change you. I had always wanted children but I can’t say that I ever sat down to work out how having a family would impact my career or how I would feel being a “working” mom. I just kind of assumed that it would all work itself out.

Truth be told – You cannot have it all. None of us can. I am in a cynical mood and very emotional at the moment.  

Two weeks ago an opportunity presented itself for work which led to more work, more work and more work. I am riddled with guilt. I spend my mornings just “being a mom” but from noon to 5pm I hand my children over to a nanny.  I get to give the kids dinner and put them to bed before starting “work” again at 8pm.  

I spent last week in the home office, working away, getting teary at the sounds of my children laughing downstairs. I’d walk briskly by, peer in the front room, and see them sitting on the nanny’s lap listening to stories, singing songs. It made me feel jealous. I didn’t hear them cry or quarrel which made me question my mothering skills. Could it be that they prefer the nanny? Guilt and doubt – that’s what I felt.

I am now getting lost in a growing tower of work and the children are no longer allowed into the office. I find myself taking calls and reading files while I am with my children or at mealtime instead of interacting and eating with them. We are spending more time at the house and have less time for playdates and trips to the park. I am constantly rushing and sadly, rushing them. 

The stress is suffocating and the balance incredibly imperfect. A friend asked me today why I am doing it. I cannot at this point honestly answer. I guess I am driven by financial benefit, though in my heart I know that I would rather be spending my days with my children despite the tantrums and tears. 

No comments:

Post a Comment